Last day

Today is the last day I get to drink, and I am so fucking on edge that I can't work and all I could do was write.  So many things going through my head...

For one thing, I'm a little caught off guard because for some reason I thought we'd be drinking tomorrow.  I don't know why I thought that -- probably because my vacation day is Friday -- but the "last day" seemed to come up really fucking fast. 

For another, I'm peeved and jealous that Adam just texted saying he's opening the bar since it's the last day.  Well, it's the last day for me too, and I can't drink for another two hours because I'm at work.  There's an eleven year old in my head, stomping her feet and yelling that it isn't fair. 

And I have so many questions...

What if I can't do it, or I need more help with it than Adam does?  Will he leave me?  He said that's his motivation for his sobriety, is that we say that if we can't do it, we leave each other.  Well, that doesn't make any sense to me, and I told him that I'm not going to leave him if he slips up.  That seems outrageous to me.

Will I seriously never be able to have a drop of alcohol again for the rest of my life?  This seems so final.  And I get a twinge of it everywhere:  looking at the invitation I received yesterday for my company's anniversary dinner ("Cocktails at 6:30".... so what the fuck am I supposed to be doing at 6:30?), the periodic get-togethers we have with my brother where we always hang out in a bar, hanging out with our friends and family (pretty much all of whom drink, though not heavily, but who the hell wants to be the one sober person among several tipsy people?), even the mouthwash in our bathroom, etc.  Will I never be able to go to a sports bar again?  Is this forever?

When Adam's brother "quit" drinking a while back to drop a few pounds, he told Adam, "Well... you don't want to become a non-drinker," when he spent a weekend with us.  We partied, went to the river, watched movies -- always with some rum or vodka in hand.  Then, after the fun weekend, he went home and continued his mostly-non-alcoholic diet, no problem.  Will Adam and I ever be able to do that?  Have drinks on our birthdays, etc.?  I have no idea.

And finally... what if I never feel better?